Stuffography The Temptation of St. Akvarium


Искушение Святого Аквариума

The Temptation of St. Akvarium



by Dji

Bootleg tape? Or legitimate release?This and two other "prehistoric" albums were recently (Spring 2001) released as a boxed set. And as individual albums. And as tapes via another, possibly competing, company. Some of the gurus have ostensibly even heard them. As a direct result they're in an ICU, foaming and drooling, and won't be contributing real reviews anytime soon.

In absence of such, it should come as no surprise to you that we, the remaining Bodhisattvas, advise you to buy them all, despite what Dzhon cruelly insists must inevitably be their rating. (Don't buy them before you buy the more essential items, of course. See the other ratings for more information.) Sure, the recording quality is, reportedly, "abyssmal." Sure, the musical quality is rumored to be "execrable... grotesque... excruciating... sub-sophmoric" But if you buy this CD you get a groovy cover... and, more important, you get this image:

Ohhhhhhhh, yeahhhhhh


"What," you might ask (and I can hear you asking it), "is so great about that image?"

Well, just look at it... At first I thought it was just coelacanth Boris, the primeval ìóçèêàíò. But then I noticed the glowing outline of a female form in the background. Couple that [ahem] with the look on Boris' face and you must realize (as I did) that THIS IS A REPRESENTATION OF BORIS HAVING SEX.

Well, not just of Boris having sex. It's also Boris the aforementioned coelacanth. And it's Boris being born. (Start mixing this stuff up and you get a tad Freudian, but we're not going there today, kiddies.)

So. Вот. This is THE ULTIMATE ALBUM FOR ALL FEMALE BODHISATTVI : buy it and you get a picture of Boris in anywoman's womb. Therefore, although we the collected male bodhisattvi assure you that you are never just anywoman to us, you may consider this to be a picture of Boris enjoying coital bliss with you.

(I do recognize that this could possibly be a phenomenon which extends beyond the female Bodhisattvi. But if any of you Bodhisattvi boyz are capabable of imagining yourselves as the anywoman in this image, well, that changes my interpretation of the coelacanth somewhat.)

Ladies, I rest my case.

Groaning from his hospital-bed Dzhon notes: "Boris-the-enwombed-(enwormed?)-coital-coelacanth must only be on the 'фирменные' copies. And if you paid full price for this CD, you're a much sicker soul than I am. Бог с вами."